(I wrote this in March of 2008, inspired by the typo in the news article that I scanned for the photo below.)

OXFORD, NORTH CAROLINA (LGNN) - Mark Ross, 31, is wanted for a probation violation and conspiracy to manufacture and deliver cocaine.

Ross is 5-foot-6 and 17 pounds, and his last known location was rumored, but not confirmed, to be inside an undetermined street lamp pole somewhere in Oxford.

Police had been searching for Ross since early January, when he was allegedly involved in an incident that involved the impersonation of a mop handle during the commission of a holdup at the Ace Hardware on Hillborough Street. Police say they believe Ross dog-napped Scooter, a 3-year-old Lhasa Apso belonging to local business owner Sharlene Wayne Currin of the Currin's Cuts And Curls Salon behind the hardware store, and duct taped the animal to his head. Ross allegedly then walked on his hands into the store and hid in a bucket of water being used by Jimmy Chavez, night clerk, and attacked Chavez when he began cleaning the store after closing. In that incident, Ross is alleged to have escaped with thirteen dollars in cash, nine hundred and seven dollars in S&H Green Stamps, and the latest print edition of "Modern Tobacco Farming."

Sheriff Jimmy Wayne Gunderson speculated that Ross then hid inside the magazine and mailed himself to the Royster farm in the northern Granville County community of Bullock. Shep Wayne 'Rooster' Royster is the world's best-known collector of antique bamboo fishing poles, and it is believed that Ross hid himself among Royster's collection for several weeks, occasionally sneaking into the Roysters' truck garden by entering a hose and waiting for the garden to be watered. Police have theorized that Ross used this opportunity to steal several fresh tomatoes from the garden, and lived on these while hiding out at the Royster residence.

City of Oxford officer Billy Wayne Robert caught up with Ross again this past Wednesday evening when he responded to a call at the McDonald's restaurant on the Oxford Loop Road. "Well, Ruby Wayne Jinkins called up the hotline just a'screamin like a caterwaul," Billy Wayne said, "sayin' she'd put one of them big ol' McDonald's crazy straws into her chocolate shake, you know one o' them crazy kid straws with all the loops and whatnot, 'n alla sudden the straw started coughin and a'splutterin, jumped out the shake, cussed her and took off runnin for the sportin' goods shop across the street. Now, I'm not sayin I know nothin for sure, but I'm bettin there's only about three, maybe four people in all Granville County that coulda been that there straw."

Billy Wayne further reported that he spent several hours looking through the many shotguns, rifles, fishing nets, fishing poles, gaffes, polearms, blowguns, and pikes in the store, but had no luck finding the elusive thin man. Billy concedes, however, that he didn't check the rod holding the shower curtain that provides privacy for the store's public rest room. "T'was sorta strange though," he said, "when I came out, there weren't no cars or nothin around but this ol' Peterbilt in the lot that I ain't never seen before. The driver wan't about, but that boy shore had the biggest CB 'tenner I ever did see. Was the onlyest one on the rig, but she musta been five, six foot long!"

City of Oxford Police and the Granville County Sherriff's Department advise citizens to be on the lookout for Ross and caution that he may be armed and dangerous. If you see Mark Ross, citizens are urged to avoid confronting him and please contact your local police station by dialing '0' and asking Mary Lou to put you in touch right away.

Meantime, Sheriff Gunderson says, city crews will be working to take apart all eight light poles in an effort to confirm or deny rumors of Ross's current wherebouts.

Editors Note: At press time, Miz Sharlene's pup has not been recovered. She is offering a reward of free cut and styling for one year for information leading to Scooter's return.